Acne is a bastard and so are you

Saying you have acne is a little like admitting you’re obese - a tad over weight, a touch spotty, pimply if you may, sounds ever so slightly more palatable, despite the fact that you, as a visual entity, exist, spots and flab and all, for the giddy masses to see.  The reason for this is the terms 'obese' and 'acne' have developed such negative societal connotations. They are associated with being ugly, unsightly, kinda gross. The bastards.

The thing about acne though, the thing that really chunks my chain, is you can’t fucking help it. It just happens to us unlucky sods whose faces are like neodymium magnets for whatever the hell it is that gives us spots but leaves the fresh faced, burger scoffing arsewipes alone. It’s not fair.

I am 26 years old and I have struggled with intermittent bouts of acne (phew, feels better now it’s out) since I was just a glimmer of a concept in my spotty prepubescent father’s testosterone fuelled man-brain. Thanks paps, much appreciated.

I have tried everything. Antibiotics – both local creams and pills – lotions, potions, bleach (the safe kind, I think), herbal supplements, more creams, special make up, special washes, oils. I even drank tiny vials of brown liquid that I’m pretty sure consisted of blood and coffee as a desperate Chinese remedy attempt to be free. It did not work.

Sometimes I’m fine. Like the times when the wind doesn’t blow too strong, nor the sun shine too hard. The times when I sleep to just the right amount of milliseconds and the bath water is the perfect temperature and the cars on my walk to work don’t exceed the speed limit…it goes on.

So now I am taking a whole new approach. I have decided I’ll try anything. I am a desperate woman with a bitter soul and a deep loathing for those smooth faced wankers. I am trying the whole healthy living thing. Bloody revelatory. I’m taking my makeup off with coconut oil, Oil pulling at night, eating all the vegetables (but not too much fruit cos sugar and shit) I can find, cutting the booze, upping the exercise, not eating ANY GLUTEN AT ALL, cleansing with an over priced Clarisonic, taking multivitamins, vitamin B, cod liver oil, evening primrose, a specially obnoxious kind of vitamin C and by jingo jango, I think it might be working. Just.

So to all those reading this who roll out of bed to a smooth face no matter the climate, dump donuts down your throat and sing hallelujah in a hot bath drinking whisky, smoking a cigarette and eating a mars bar. Legitimately and from the bottom of my cold, dark heart. Fuck you.